You are little, just a baby, and butterflies flutter in your stomach.
You do not understand.
"What is happening?" you ask, but your inexperienced mind can't explain.
You can't ask others -- you don't know, not yet, how to put it in words.
You grow up, and now you have learned many words for it.
But you have also learned not to talk about it.
Living your life has become daunting ... exhausting.
Your family worries, so you pretend to be alright.
You gather courage and talk to those who will listen.
Sometimes they don't judge, they try to empathise.
They try hard, but they fail.
You feel more frustrated, more lonely.
It never goes away,
You are high and happy, then you think of it, and slowly your happiness fades.
You are low and sad, and you feel relieved.
You know it is going to happen, you can't help but feel this way.
It gets suppressed, but it is there.
You are afraid, cautious, for you know it is going to resurface,
When you are least expecting.
Like a beast lurking at the edge, ready to pull you into the dark abyss.
It strikes in that one unsuspecting moment.
You don't want to kill yourself,
Because it will hurt the people you love.
But you really really ... really wish you never existed.
Then one day you stand against it.
Whether you like it or not, you are here ... you exist.
If everything is meaningless, then why should you be afraid.
So you decide to fight ... to write….
But this dread never goes away.
From Upcoming Collection. “The Uncharted Mind” by Shon Mehta
A Poem by Shon Mehta
They say that before a person dies,
Their whole life flashes before their eyes.
On my deathbed, I closed my eyes for that last view,
All I saw was only you.
― Shon Mehta
Shon Mehta is an author and philosopher, creator of the Jivavarta Universe—a grounded sociopolitical world exploring human resilience, social dynamics, and moral philosophy through systems thinking. Her novels (The Timingila, Lair of the Monster), poems, aphorisms, parables, and stories are used in academic curricula internationally and featured by Oxford University Press.
ReplyDeleteCritique
The poem “It Never Goes Away” by Shon Mehta captures the raw and haunting emotions of living with an internal struggle that persists despite one’s efforts to suppress it. Let’s delve into the essence of this poignant piece.
The opening lines paint a vivid picture of innocence and confusion. As a child, the protagonist experiences the fluttering of butterflies in their stomach, a sensation they cannot comprehend. The inability to articulate their feelings becomes a recurring theme throughout the poem.
As they grow older, the protagonist acquires a vocabulary to describe their inner turmoil. Yet, societal norms dictate silence. They wear a mask of normalcy, concealing their pain from family and friends. The weight of this secret exhausts them, leaving them feeling isolated.
Seeking solace, they confide in others. Some listen without judgment, attempting empathy. But empathy alone falls short. The struggle persists, casting shadows on moments of happiness and relief. The protagonist grapples with the cyclical nature of their suffering, knowing it will resurface unexpectedly.
The metaphor of a lurking beast at the edge aptly captures the menace of their inner demons. The fear of being pulled into the abyss looms large. Suicide is not an option; love for their family prevents it. Yet, the desire to erase their existence remains.
In a moment of defiance, the protagonist acknowledges their existence. If life is inherently meaningless, why fear the struggle? Writing becomes their weapon—a way to fight back against the relentless dread.
And so, the poem concludes, leaving us with the haunting truth: the battle never truly ends. It lingers, woven into the fabric of existence. But perhaps in acknowledging it, there lies a glimmer of hope—a fragile resilience that keeps them writing, fighting, and existing.
Shon Mehta’s words resonate with anyone who has faced their own depression. They remind us that even when the dread persists, we can choose to stand against it, pen in hand, and write our own survival story.
I've never read anyone else I relate to as much.
Ranking poems by darkness of psychological and existential content:
ReplyDelete1. Lady Lazarus
The darkest of the group.
Obsessively engages with death, self-destruction, suffering, and survival.
Intense, angry, and psychologically raw.
2.Shon Mehta's "It Never Goes Away"
Chronic dread, loneliness, passive wishes for non-existence, and the sense that suffering is a lifelong companion.
Ends with resistance rather than surrender, which keeps it from becoming completely nihilistic.
3. The Hollow Men
Deeply bleak and spiritually empty.
Less emotionally personal than Mehta's poem, but more philosophically desolate.
Acquainted with the Night
Quiet, lonely, and melancholy.
Conveys isolation rather than outright despair.
4. The Journey
Begins in struggle but moves decisively toward self-liberation and hope.
5. Love After Love
More healing than dark.
Focused on self-recovery and acceptance.